My Dear Friends: A Fictional Op-Ed by John McCain

My Dear Friends…

The following (fictional) op-ed was written on behalf of Senator John McCain, were he ever to actually tell the truth to Arizona voters.

My Dear Friends,

John McCainI’d like to introduce myself to you because many of you have moved to Arizona since the last time I ran for election to the United States Senate.  My name is John McCain.  I currently serve as your senior U.S. Senator.  I’d like to continue doing so.  Please.

Some of you may remember me from the few times I stopped by the state during my presidential campaign.  Some others of you may think I’m still running for president.  I sometimes get that confused myself.  Just kidding.  I know I lost.

I’m running for re-election to the Senate because I am not Bob Dole, my friends, and Pfizer is not breaking down any doors, begging me to be the next spokesman for, well, you know.  Besides, all the pharmaceutical companies are sending enough money my way as it is.  Which is why I was trying to kill the vitamin and nutritional supplement companies which compete with our honest, hardworking prescription drug companies that stand to lose a lot of money if people like you, my friends, keep buying vitamins to stay healthy.

Point of order, my friends.  I’m no longer for putting the vitamin companies out of business.  I know I wrote the bill, but I was misled.  I was for it before I was against it.  You can imagine the ribbing I’ve taken from John Kerry over that one!  Man, is he a sore loser!  But since we both lost to George Bush, I guess I know what he’s going through.  That’s why we both voted against those pesky Bush tax cuts.

Um.  Another point of order, my friends.  About those tax cuts I just mentioned?  I may have voted to kill them, but I support them now.  I’m really sorry I voted against them.  Twice.  We don’t actually read the bills much over in the Senate and I was very probably misled that they repealed the marriage penalty and eliminated the death tax.  Again, my bad.

I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to Governor Brewer, and to thank her for her gracious endorsement.  I know I was supposed to return the favor by endorsing the sales tax increase she’s putting on the ballot.  Ordinarily I would have.  It’s nothing at all like those tax cuts I opposed… oh, and which Congress is now repealing.  Welcome back death tax!  But the thing of it is, my friends, it’s an election year and I just don’t support tax hikes in election years.

Now, something else I’m taking a bit of heat over these days is my votes for what the press has callously called the “bailouts” of banks and auto companies and for supporting bailouts of big mortgage lenders who have been accused of taking advantage of people by selling them homes they couldn’t afford.  My friends, these aren’t bailouts.  These are strategic investments in the economic future of our great nation meant to stabilize our markets and provide for a steady flow of not just bonuses to disgruntled AIG executives but also PAC contributions to my campaign.

My friends, I’d just say this: the economy is very complex issue.  I’ve been in Washington for 28 years, and sometimes I don’t even understand it.  Do you know how small the national debt was when I was first elected to Congress?  Why, our government budgets weren’t anywhere close to a trillion dollars a year, and last year our deficit alone was more than $1.6 trillion dollars.  You see my point?  It’s very tricky business and not something you want to entrust to anyone but the most seasoned professional.

Me, I’m Washington through and through.  I’m senior on my committees.  I’ve been the Republican nominee for president, for Pete’s sake.  Why, I’d bet there isn’t a special interest, lobbyist, association or organization inside the Beltway that I don’t intimately know.  Which is why I don’t get home to Arizona so much, except in election years.  Being in the Senate is a lot of work!  Not to mention, it’s a really long flight each time from DC to Arizona.

So, as I’ve said, I would like you voters, my friends, to send me back to Washington for another term in the U.S. Senate.  And, as I’ve said, my campaign is not about whatever it is that I’ve done these past 28 years.  Rather, it’s about what you think I can do for you.  And, really, we’ve got a lot of unfinished business to tackle.  There are nearly 12 million illegal immigrants living in America, many of whom pay taxes and whatnot, but who don’t have much to show for it.  They can’t even vote!  You see my point?  Who will speak for them if not me?

And don’t even get me started on energy issues.  I’ve tried my darndest to get Cap and Trade passed, but the nay-sayers are screaming it’s a tax hike on families and businesses.  Let’s set the record straight once and for all: there is no tax increase in Cap and Trade.  When utility companies are forced by government to raise their prices, it is not a tax.  Just for once, I’d like to see some honesty in political discourse – or perhaps just none at all.  But apparently the Supreme Court isn’t with me on that one either.  Better luck next time, right?  Right?  You’re with me on this, aren’t you?

Well, my friends, that’s my campaign in a nutshell.  I hope this letter cleared up any questions you might have had.  I’ll do my best to write again soon.

Your friend,

John Sydney McCain


Comments

  1. AllUsBadGuys says

    Couldn’t even read past the first couple paragraphs; this was so lame.

  2. Well this was stupid. So much for coming to SA to get news and political insight. I think we’re all dumber for reading this “fictional op-ed”. I’ll never get this time back.

  3. Valerie J. says

    Excellent article! That’s McStain in a nutshell alright. I printed it out to bring to our next LD Meeting.
    Thanks SA!

  4. Yep, there it is. A totally false and poorly written piece, made up in a loosely associated fashion, with the intent to attribute the misinformation to another in an effort to make JD look better.

    Cut down the competition with fabrication in order to make the reality of your candidate look better. I guess you have to use what you’ve got, and when that is all you’ve got….a well-known loser of a candidate with no record and an even worse reputation in his own community and with his colleagues.

    Why should we be at all surprised that JD would encourage this sort of thing? The guy who says he respects McCain but then sends his little people to do the dirty work? The guy who has never accepted his own failure and unsuccessful political career, so he points fingers at others? The guy who can’t stay on topic but triangulates everything to an anti-McCain rant?

    Keep it up. Rope…more rope…lots more rope.

  5. I don’t care who you are, that’s funny. On the other hand, it is sad because it is too true.

  6. The definition of incoherent rambling.

  7. Stephen Kohut says

    Alinsky 5th tactic from “Rules for Radicals” states:

    “Ridicule is man’s most important weapon. It is almost impossible to counter attack ridicule. Also it infuriates the opposition who then react to your advantage.”

    As when Swift wrote his three books of satire know as “Gulliver’s Travels” to ridicule British establishment, satire and ridicule packs the most punch when it is full of painful truths. This satire on McCain is full of painful truths the Senator wants to hide from.

    Which leads us to Alinsky’s 4th tactic:

    “Make the enemy live up to their own book of rules. You can kill them with this, for they can no more obey their own rules than the Christian church can live up to Christianity. Paul of Tarsus wrote to the Corinthians, “Who also hath made us able ministers of the New Testament; not of the letter, but of the spirit; for the letter killeth.”

    You take the justifications that a politican uses to explain their “new” position, the one where they start with “yah, but” and you beat them to death with it. Keep beating on John. There is more than enough material from his 28 years to club him with.

  8. The new amnesty plan is to issue ID cards to American citizens (and illegal aliens) with embedded information, such as fingerprints, to tie the card to the worker. I expect that John McCain will be supporting this too.

  9. Stephen Kohut says

    Via his shill Lindsey Graham, protege of McAmnesty.

  10. Oberserve says

    I must point out that McCain did NOT, I repeat did NOT, cast a vote in the Presidential Preference Primary in Arizona in 2008. While he stated multiple times in the local and national media that he was coming back to AZ to do just that (and he did return to AZ that day), he did NOT show up at his polling location. How do I know? I was at his precinct polling location the entire day.

  11. This is a great satire piece, but I wouldn’t expect any McCain supporters to appreciate that.

    There is no evidence that JD’ campaign produced this. Even if there is, so what? It’s not like McCain hasn’t been slinging mud at JD.

    Kudos to the author!

  12. Travis and Ann: Get a life. You RINOs (if indeed you are even Republicans) are too much like the Dems–you can’t take a joke. In order for a joke to be funny, it has to have elements of truth. This was excellent satire–full of truth.

  13. Stupidest post I’ve seen.

  14. If you notice, neither Travis or Ann after substantial vapid bloviating (apologies to Bill O’Reilly) always veer away from providing details to back their rhetoric.

    If the artilce was full of falsehoods Ann, it would behoove you to list them. Frankly it was a damned good synopsis of McCain’s career!

    Travis, on the other hand, sticks to demeaning his opponents rather than getting into anything involving issues.

    He should return to his natural habitat, a car lot!

  15. Yes indeed Kohut #7. That Blog is about as ridiculous as the candidate it was meant to shore up.
    It looks as if all his handlers have left in their arsenal is taking cues from from the most left of the radical left, Saul Alinsky the midwife of American Socialism. How sad indeed.

  16. Stephen Kohut says

    Hurst,

    Ridicule, yes and it works well when based on truth as this post it. I wish it was ridiculous then I would not have the issues I do with McCain.

    Alinsky’s tactics are no different than Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War”, Machiavelli’s “The Prince”, Clausewitz’s “On War”, etc. Tactics and strategy are tactics and strategy. They work or they don’t. They are neither good nor bad in themselves. They are a toolbox. What is good or bad is the ends to which they are put. Alinsky’s tactics work just as well for a conservative agenda as they do for a socialist one.

    On a second note, you own me a meeting with McCain. Every going to pay up?

  17. Mr. Konut,

    Horst doesn’t owe you a meeting with McCain. He invited you to an event last Friday; you failed to show up. Had your chance, blew it! Too bad; would have loved to seen you ‘implode’ on Senator McCain, a National hero. Would have made great video seeing you make a fool of yourself!

  18. To Tell The Truth says

    Mr Konut
    I agree with TonyGOPrano you had your chance and blew it!!! JD is a huge spending bag of hot air and the Senator and American hero will beat JD in the election.

  19. Let Citizens Against Government Waste provide the details:

    Citizens Against Government Waste: Hayworth vs. McCain

    Last time I checked, 89 > 88.

  20. Steve,
    Mister Kohut, Sir, seeing that the candidate of your preference seemingly needs to resort to machinations of known Commies like Saul Alinsky, intrigue a la Prince Machiavelli, may I suggest two more? Dr. Rudolf Goebbels and Julius Streicher.
    They were both good dumbfounding a whole Nation and could help you become Prince Kohut the instigator of the 2010 Place Coup.
    Nah, it will never happen.

  21. Stephen Kohut says

    Horst & Jeffy Vath (AKA TonyGOPrano),

    How about we actually look at the SA posts about Horst’s offer.

    Mar 3 9:59PM – Horst, on “McCain Not Blinded by Own Arrogance” Posting

    Give me some slag, if you have a particular gripe go see the man and talk to him, if you are to timid, give me a call and I’ll lead you to him. Senator McCain is accessible, I know he is, I know him well.

    Mar 4 9:03 AM – Stephen Kohut, on “McCain Not Blinded by Own Arrogance”

    Is your offer good? You can send me a message on resistnet.com, the phoenix tea party site, etc. I’m easy to google/find and I use my real name. So, are you bluffing or will you back up your words?

    Mar 5 10:31 AM – Stephen Kohut, on “McCain Not Blinded by Own Arrogance” Posting

    You go into hiding guy? Someone calls your bluff and the response is to hide from the blogs? Gotta love the keyboard cowards that can’t back up their bluster.

    Mar 7 2:53 PM – Horst, on “Say it Ain’t So!”

    I went to the Campus, I expected to see you at the picket line and I hoped to hit 2 flies with one stone, like getting you off the picket line and lead you to Senator McCain to ask him whatever it was you wanted an answer from him. Remember, I am the guy who offered to introduce him to you. As it turned out I did not find you.

    Mar 7 5:05 PM – Stephen Kohut, on “Say it Ain’t So!”

    You finally come out of hiding behind McRINO! Ignored me for days and days. Called your bluff. Told you to send me a message on resistnet, tea party sites, to setup a meeting with McRINO. No messages. Zip!

    There was no response from Horst with the offer to meet at any date/time/place, no posting on SA, no message on Resistnet or the GPTPP site. Horst’s idea of meeting his commitment was to supposedly walk out from of a McCain event he was at, that he had not invited me to, to see if I was there. Yep, that is certainly backing up his offer.

  22. I wonder who SA is for…Sonoran Alliance may support the goof, but there is a greater alliance of Americans who support a man who lives to serve. McCain’s respected voice in the State and Washington is an asset essential to the promotion of our state’s interests. Having voice in today’s World, is a remarkable blessing for our state and country. It would do Arizona disservice to have someone who plays into conspiracy theories to scrap for votes represent the state’s interests. JD’s image problem isn’t because of McCain, it’s because of JD.

  23. Stephen Kohut says

    And McCains problem is that his actions are best suited to a Democrat and not someone who tries to put on a conservative Republican label every 6 years to get elected.

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