A m e r i c a n P o s t – G a z e t t e
Distributed by C O M M O N S E N S E , in Arizona
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Call to support Obama objectives
All out plan to save lives!
Realizing Hussein Obama’s plan to control guns and reduce needless deaths in the United States will do little to curb violence; we developed a 23 point ban plan to end the major causes of mortality in the United States. In an effort to help make this a safer country for our children we offer the following ideas on things he can ban that are not constitutionally protected.
Proposed ban list:
1. Fertilizer – this is one of the major components in homemade explosive devises most infamously used by Timothy McVeigh in Oklahoma City. We also hear Washington D.C. is full of it.
2. Earthquakes – these killer events have plagued humanity for eons, and are the root cause of tsunamis
3. Terrorism – frequently used in the Middle East, and now one of the region’s most well known exports, this phenomenon strikes down many in the prime of life. The proposal is that entire cities will be declared terrorism free zones, just as schools are identified as gun free zones. Signs will be posted in English, French and Arabic with graphic symbols to ensure maximum compliance.
4. Old people – the Surgeon General reports that the elderly have the highest death rate. Eliminating old people will significantly reduce this problem. Additionally, most of them have read the Constitution and are disrupting the President’s agenda.
5. Armed police – A recent study conducted by the National Association of Bank Robbers, Muggers and Rapists uncovered an alarming reduction in membership in 2012 due to police shootings. Elimination of armed police would extend the productive years of these citizens. Most of the Association’s members gunned down by police were in their prime years.
6. Automobiles – In 2010, more than 32,000 fatal car crashes were recorded. Shocking.
7. Horses – when people rode horses, accident rates were even higher than auto accident rates.
8. Gasoline – without cars, this explosive, highly flammable and dangerous fuel will no longer be needed. It is used for Molotov cocktails and bombs – deadly stuff.
9. Tablespoons – a leading cause of obesity, widely used to eat ice cream which is loaded with cholesterol, spoons are suspected of causing three out of every four heart attacks. Furthermore, when the handles are thrust into sensitive areas of the body, such as the neck, they can sever arteries and should be considered a deadly weapon.
10. Volcanoes – they have spawned earthquakes, and when their eruptions are powerful enough, can cause wide-spread, crop destroying global cooling that could kill hundreds of millions.
11. Ice ages – the most recent major ice age spread ice a mile deep over Connecticut and other areas of North America. All life on earth was sharply diminished. Congress should enact immediate legislation to prevent a repeat of the last ice age.
12. Floods – When the ice melted suddenly and precipitously, there were massive global floods that sparked descriptions of Noah like rescues of human and animal species in societies around the planet.
13. Gravity – The law of Gravity should be repealed. It causes falls, and is a major factor in airline crashes.
14. Airplanes – and of course, airplanes ought to be outlawed. Without airplanes, there would be no more airplane accidents. One such accident killed over 500 people! They can kill hundreds with each event.
15. Soft drinks in containers over 16 ounces or larger – they are an important causative factor in obesity which leads to diabetes and heart disease. New York has already taken the lead on this one.
16. Hospitals – the danger of these institutions should be self evident. People die every day in hospitals, and nobody has made any effort to close them.
17. McDonalds’ Happy Meals – They may be on their way out, but we must make them illegal. San Francisco has taken the lead here.
18. Nancy Pelosi -Just looking at her makes some folks feel suicidal.
19. Harry Reid – his visage has been known to make people beg for a quick end.
20. Hurricanes – these dangerous storms must be stopped once and for all, especially those that are as large as the one George Bush caused to target New Orleans.
21. Knives – Once all guns are banned, murderers will turn to the use of knives which are known to be very deadly. There is no reason that people cannot tear their food with their bare hands and butter their bread with fingers or thumbs.
22. Rocks – This is a primitive weapon that would be used by killers once there are neither guns nor knives. They have proven to be quite deadly in the Middle East and could be widely used elsewhere. The recommended procedure to eliminate rocks is to pulverize them into sand.
23. Birth – The GOP research staff has come up with a startling finding. Birth is the number one causative factor in deaths around the world. Birth is so deadly, 100% of its victims eventually die because of it. If we ban birth, we will have solved the problem of human mortality forever.
This list is as comprehensive as any committee might ever be expected to produce, but in the interest of inclusiveness, we welcome your comments. And please my fellow Americans, NO MORE RUNNING WITH SCISSORS!