Call to support Obama objectives



A m e r i c a n  P o s t – G a z e t t e

Distributed by C O M M O N  S E N S E , in Arizona
Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Call to support Obama objectives

All out plan to save lives!

 

Realizing Hussein Obama’s plan to control guns and reduce needless deaths in the United States will do little to curb violence; we developed a 23 point ban plan to end the major causes of mortality in the United States. In an effort to help make this a safer country for our children we offer the following ideas on things he can ban that are not constitutionally protected.

Proposed ban list:

1.       Fertilizer – this is one of the major components in homemade explosive devises most infamously used by Timothy McVeigh in Oklahoma City. We also hear Washington D.C. is full of it.

2.       Earthquakes – these killer events have plagued humanity for eons, and are the root cause of tsunamis

3.       Terrorism – frequently used in the Middle East, and now one of the region’s most well known exports, this phenomenon strikes down many in the prime of life. The proposal is that entire cities will be declared terrorism free zones, just as schools are identified as gun free zones. Signs will be posted in English, French and Arabic with graphic symbols to ensure maximum compliance.

4.       Old people – the Surgeon General reports that the elderly have the highest death rate. Eliminating old people will significantly reduce this problem.  Additionally, most of them have read the Constitution and are disrupting the President’s agenda.

5.       Armed police – A recent study conducted by the National Association of Bank Robbers, Muggers and Rapists uncovered an alarming reduction in membership in 2012 due to police shootings. Elimination of armed police would extend the productive years of these citizens. Most of the Association’s members gunned down by police were in their prime years.

6.       Automobiles – In 2010, more than 32,000 fatal car crashes were recorded. Shocking.

7.       Horses – when people rode horses, accident rates were even higher than auto accident rates.

8.       Gasoline – without cars, this explosive, highly flammable and dangerous fuel will no longer be needed.  It is used for Molotov cocktails and bombs – deadly stuff.

9.       Tablespoons – a leading cause of obesity, widely used to eat ice cream which is loaded with cholesterol, spoons are suspected of causing three out of every four heart attacks. Furthermore, when the handles are thrust into sensitive areas of the body, such as the neck, they can sever arteries and should be considered a deadly weapon.

10.    Volcanoes – they have spawned earthquakes, and when their eruptions are powerful enough, can cause wide-spread, crop destroying global cooling that could kill hundreds of millions.

11.    Ice ages – the most recent major ice age spread ice a mile deep over Connecticut and other areas of North America. All life on earth was sharply diminished. Congress should enact immediate legislation to prevent a repeat of the last ice age.

12.    Floods – When the ice melted suddenly and precipitously, there were massive global floods that sparked descriptions of Noah like rescues of human and animal species in societies around the planet.

13.    Gravity – The law of Gravity should be repealed. It causes falls, and is a major factor in airline crashes.

14.    Airplanes – and of course, airplanes ought to be outlawed. Without airplanes, there would be no more airplane accidents. One such accident killed over 500 people! They can kill hundreds with each event.

15.     Soft drinks in containers over 16 ounces or larger – they are an important causative factor in obesity which leads to diabetes and heart disease.  New York has already taken the lead on this one.

16.    Hospitals – the danger of these institutions should be self evident. People die every day in hospitals, and nobody has made any effort to close them.

17.    McDonalds’ Happy Meals – They may be on their way out, but we must make them illegal.  San Francisco has taken the lead here.

18.    Nancy Pelosi -Just looking at her makes some folks feel suicidal.

19.    Harry Reid – his visage has been known to make people beg for a quick end.

20.    Hurricanes – these dangerous storms must be stopped once and for all, especially those that are as large as the one George Bush caused to target New Orleans.

21.    Knives – Once all guns are banned, murderers will turn to the use of knives which are known to be very deadly. There is no reason that people cannot tear their food with their bare hands and butter their bread with fingers or thumbs.

22.    Rocks – This is a primitive weapon that would be used by killers once there are neither guns nor knives. They have proven to be quite deadly in the Middle East and could be widely used elsewhere. The recommended procedure to eliminate rocks is to pulverize them into sand.

23.    Birth – The GOP research staff has come up with a startling finding. Birth is the number one causative factor in deaths around the world. Birth is so deadly, 100% of its victims eventually die because of it. If we ban birth, we will have solved the problem of human mortality forever.

This list is as comprehensive as any committee might ever be expected to produce, but in the interest of inclusiveness, we welcome your comments.  And please my fellow Americans, NO MORE RUNNING WITH SCISSORS!


Comments

  1. Henry Bowman says:

    “Tablespoons… can sever arteries and should be considered a deadly weapon.”

    You mean, WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

    Fixed it for you.

  2. Seriously? This is the best they could come up with? Someone actually thinks this is funny?
    I’m pretty sure there’s a few laws on the books that ban terrorism within the United States and terrorist acts against US citizens abroad.

    And, banning earthquakes, horses, floods and all the other foolish items listed, is a comparison – even in jest – only to be found in the mind of a 6 year old.

  3. This was obviously too advanced for the liberal mind of Jeff. He is likely burned out on medical marijuana.

    Jeff – did you mother have any children that lived?

    • Well, I guess the fact that it is just incredibly stupid and appeals to those with the education level of a 3rd grader speaks to your approval, RC.

      For gun owners and those who believe in their rights – of which I am one – want to be taken seriously, idiocy like this is not the way to go.

  4. “The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of
    play.” Jeff doesn’t need to play at all.

    Everyone I show this to loves it! It pokes fun at Obama’s lunacy and in fact highlights the approach his administration takes to problem solving.

  5. “2. Earthquakes – these killer events have plagued humanity for eons, and are the root cause of tsunamis”

    I just hope Crandell and Burges “alternate theories” bill passes, and then AZ public schools will have to teach my alternative to the Theory of Global Plate Tectonics, and we’ll really get to the bottom of this earthquake menace.

    • According to the 6000 year old earth creationists in the legislature, they probably think earthquakes are caused by angry demons pounding the walls of hell.

      As for the article…lame, sophomoric drivel. Leave the comedy to funny people.

      • Demons. Pff. Everyone knows earthquakes are caused when the giant turtle repositions himself on the backs of three elephants.

        But yeah, typical “Mallard Fillmore”-styled conservative “humor”.

  6. Ranger Tom says:

    Ah, the shallow minds of the liberals. They just cannot stand a little humor in the hectic pace of life. As has been stated so simply: “If you can’t take the heat, stay the heck out of the kitchen”

    But make no mistake, our liberal adversaries are on a mission to remove our liberties and make sure socialism is the law of the land. And when 62% of the voting population never even made it to the polls for the Presidential election, the result was a better organized, well funded, and far-to-the left liberal President. By not voting, we essentially gave away the White House. Both sad and ironic.

    But I have no doubt that Hussein will indeed “fall on his sword” eventually. Its either that or the mob when things really go south in a hurry. Now…where did we put that guillotine?

  7. There is a solution — require liability insurance for guns. We require demonstrators to obtain demonstration permits, and to have liability insurance to cover any damage that those exercising their first amendment rights might incur. And, in certain government venues, such as the Arizona State Capitol, you are actually prohibited from exercising both your first and second amendment rights. So, requiring liability insurance for gun ownership makes sense. And, it’s a private solution — the insurance industry determines who gets to have a gun. Probably, someone like Arthur Harmon, our latest Arizona gunmen, wouldn’t have been able to get firearm liability insurance. It would still require that the government confiscate uninsured weapons to be effective…. That could be done by deputizing union thugs as U.S. marshalls, arming them, and having them go house to house, one city or state at a time, confiscating guns… Ugly, yes, but it could be done.

    • Hmmm. Another solution for those with the money and wherewithal. My understanding is that the majority of victims are in the poorer sections of cities, especially those run by Democrats.

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