My Dear Friends…

The following (fictional) op-ed was written on behalf of Senator John McCain, were he ever to actually tell the truth to Arizona voters.

My Dear Friends,

John McCainI’d like to introduce myself to you because many of you have moved to Arizona since the last time I ran for election to the United States Senate.  My name is John McCain.  I currently serve as your senior U.S. Senator.  I’d like to continue doing so.  Please.

Some of you may remember me from the few times I stopped by the state during my presidential campaign.  Some others of you may think I’m still running for president.  I sometimes get that confused myself.  Just kidding.  I know I lost.

I’m running for re-election to the Senate because I am not Bob Dole, my friends, and Pfizer is not breaking down any doors, begging me to be the next spokesman for, well, you know.  Besides, all the pharmaceutical companies are sending enough money my way as it is.  Which is why I was trying to kill the vitamin and nutritional supplement companies which compete with our honest, hardworking prescription drug companies that stand to lose a lot of money if people like you, my friends, keep buying vitamins to stay healthy.

Point of order, my friends.  I’m no longer for putting the vitamin companies out of business.  I know I wrote the bill, but I was misled.  I was for it before I was against it.  You can imagine the ribbing I’ve taken from John Kerry over that one!  Man, is he a sore loser!  But since we both lost to George Bush, I guess I know what he’s going through.  That’s why we both voted against those pesky Bush tax cuts.

Um.  Another point of order, my friends.  About those tax cuts I just mentioned?  I may have voted to kill them, but I support them now.  I’m really sorry I voted against them.  Twice.  We don’t actually read the bills much over in the Senate and I was very probably misled that they repealed the marriage penalty and eliminated the death tax.  Again, my bad.

I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to Governor Brewer, and to thank her for her gracious endorsement.  I know I was supposed to return the favor by endorsing the sales tax increase she’s putting on the ballot.  Ordinarily I would have.  It’s nothing at all like those tax cuts I opposed… oh, and which Congress is now repealing.  Welcome back death tax!  But the thing of it is, my friends, it’s an election year and I just don’t support tax hikes in election years.

Now, something else I’m taking a bit of heat over these days is my votes for what the press has callously called the “bailouts” of banks and auto companies and for supporting bailouts of big mortgage lenders who have been accused of taking advantage of people by selling them homes they couldn’t afford.  My friends, these aren’t bailouts.  These are strategic investments in the economic future of our great nation meant to stabilize our markets and provide for a steady flow of not just bonuses to disgruntled AIG executives but also PAC contributions to my campaign.

My friends, I’d just say this: the economy is very complex issue.  I’ve been in Washington for 28 years, and sometimes I don’t even understand it.  Do you know how small the national debt was when I was first elected to Congress?  Why, our government budgets weren’t anywhere close to a trillion dollars a year, and last year our deficit alone was more than $1.6 trillion dollars.  You see my point?  It’s very tricky business and not something you want to entrust to anyone but the most seasoned professional.

Me, I’m Washington through and through.  I’m senior on my committees.  I’ve been the Republican nominee for president, for Pete’s sake.  Why, I’d bet there isn’t a special interest, lobbyist, association or organization inside the Beltway that I don’t intimately know.  Which is why I don’t get home to Arizona so much, except in election years.  Being in the Senate is a lot of work!  Not to mention, it’s a really long flight each time from DC to Arizona.

So, as I’ve said, I would like you voters, my friends, to send me back to Washington for another term in the U.S. Senate.  And, as I’ve said, my campaign is not about whatever it is that I’ve done these past 28 years.  Rather, it’s about what you think I can do for you.  And, really, we’ve got a lot of unfinished business to tackle.  There are nearly 12 million illegal immigrants living in America, many of whom pay taxes and whatnot, but who don’t have much to show for it.  They can’t even vote!  You see my point?  Who will speak for them if not me?

And don’t even get me started on energy issues.  I’ve tried my darndest to get Cap and Trade passed, but the nay-sayers are screaming it’s a tax hike on families and businesses.  Let’s set the record straight once and for all: there is no tax increase in Cap and Trade.  When utility companies are forced by government to raise their prices, it is not a tax.  Just for once, I’d like to see some honesty in political discourse – or perhaps just none at all.  But apparently the Supreme Court isn’t with me on that one either.  Better luck next time, right?  Right?  You’re with me on this, aren’t you?

Well, my friends, that’s my campaign in a nutshell.  I hope this letter cleared up any questions you might have had.  I’ll do my best to write again soon.

Your friend,

John Sydney McCain